And the fun continues

Hello Dear Readers and welcome to the next chapter of this wonderful wacky world of UC!  I’ve been away for a bit and after reading you’ll understand why…I believe in one of my previous posts, I mentioned that my latest flare started on the 20th of July… We thought we had it under control and the Doc had me slowly tapering off the prednisone… Ok, nothing new, I’ve done this before… I came off the pred two Saturday’s ago and I thought all would be well… Bright sunshine… Good lookin’ people having picnics… Children running through the park… You get the scene…  *smile*

Well the good lookin’ people never showed up, it rained on the picnic and the kids were scared off by a clown… In other words, I started going downhill almost immediately… I stopped eating again, I couldn’t leave the house, I wasn’t sleeping, etc… The episodes were back, the pain from the spasms were back, and I was almost back to the point where I was last year before I was even diagnosed… I kept calling into my GI’s office, asking for help, but my GI was out of town and the attending GI wasn’t a great deal of help… I did call and get an appointment with my guy, but it wasn’t for another 10 days… I finally decided I couldn’t wait any longer.. I called in and asked for an earlier appointment and explained why…

Lo and behold, they got me in the next morning and I finally got to see my GI… His diagnosis?  My meds aren’t working… (I could have told him that…)  Soooo they’ve decided to put me back on Pred (whoopee), and this Friday, I get to learn how to inject myself with meds… Those of you who know me are right now saying to yourself “Whooooaaa wait… She’s got to inject herSELF??  This same woman who has to be pushed to the front of the line to get her flu shot??”   It’s true, dear friends… They’re putting me on a new med and I have to inject it every other week… I can’t WAIT for that lovely nightmare…

Let me add this here… I’ve commented before on how you lose your modestly and humility upon learning that you have this condition… Well I lost what little I had, yesterday… While I was in there, the Doc decided to do a quick, wait for it, rectal exam!  *groan*  Again, no dinner, no flowers, nothing… As one of my friends commented, the least he could have done was blow in my ear!!!  Nope, got none of that… All I got was “Roll over”… Hmmmm Kind of like being married, isn’t it?!  *grin*

So a new phase of meds begins for me and I’m hoping this will finally put me back on my feet and less on my loo… I’m tired of being homebound although my Cats love it… I’m tired of not being able to run errands, and to visit with friends and in general be able to just “live”… I’ll let you know how the injection goes on Friday… For those who are curious, it’s Humira that I’ll be taking… Cross your fingers and I’ll let you know…

Something happens along the way of recovery…

You don’t expect it, and many times you don’t notice it… Especially if you live alone… This latest and greatest flare started the July 20th… I’m still trying to get my body back to some form of “normal”, whatever that is… Normal left sometime last year and I’ve not see him back in town yet… BUT I had reached a point, prior to this flare, where I could see his house and I was happy with that…

But this particular flare, or episode, just doesn’t seem to want to return to see normal’s house… And so, little by little, day by day, weekend by weekend, I become a recluse… I did notice it some time ago, but didn’t know what to do to change it… It kind of just snuck up on me… Because the length of my normal morning time routine seems to change day by day, by the time I felt it was “safe” to leave the house on a Saturday or Sunday, it was almost Noon and not worth the squeeze, ya know?  So I might lay out my clothes, make my shopping list, and decide the quickest routes to where I needed to go… (Notice I said “needed” and not “wanted”…)  But then, as the morning slipped by, I made more and more rationalizations as to why I didn’t need to go out…  And before I knew it, I’d talked myself out of going… Clothes go back in the closest and I had figured out what meals I could make, with what I had in the house…  And with no one expecting me, it helped make it even easier…

The next step was to do the food shopping on Friday, on my way home from work… THAT way, I don’t have to step outside my house from Friday afternoon, to Monday morning… And that’s where I’m at… Until this weekend, it’d been 3 weekends since I’d stepped outside my house… It’s hard to explain, but it’s like a rash that you can almost feel moving up your legs… I can feel the “desire” to become a complete introvert… Could it be depression?  I suppose so… I’d never experienced depression until 2 Christmases ago… I didn’t even KNOW I was in a depression until I started coming out of it… I just knew that I didn’t want to see or talk to anyone and was perfectly happy with my computer, Cats and TV… Alone…

I know it’s the disease that’s pushing this… I’m naturally a very humourous person, much to the irritation and chagrin of my friends… And I loathe being UNhappy… But there comes a point where it’s comfortable… It’s known… I know the people here and they offer me cookies… (Gluten free, of course…)  So what changed for this weekend?  Because I can feel it happening, and I hate it… I don’t like bothering my friends on the weekend… They have their lives… They’re all married or partnered and they have lives… Active lives… And I’m not about to change that… Right now, half of the friends I might call on are out of town… The other half lead very busy weekends and I appreciate and respect that…

A group that I’m associated with was having an event this weekend… Low key, I could come and go as I pleased.. $10 was all it would cost… So I decided to go… It didn’t start until 12, but the first real event didn’t start until 1:30… Perfect… I had my shower, brushed my teeth, did all of my “leaving the house” preparations and was ready by 10… But then, the brain started… “Hey, you know it’s an hour drive to this thing, right?  Alot can happen in that hour… And it’s comfortable here… Look, Sophie wants you to pet her… And Squirt’s looking for your lap… OH and American Ninja Warriors is on!  We need to catch up… OH and you haven’t even THOUGHT about what you’re going to wear… Oh and is that some grumbling I hear down in your belly?  Could it be another attack?  HA HA that’s it… We’re not going, I can see it… And you only have three things on your shopping list… You can get those on Monday…”   blah blah blah on it went… And I almost listened…

I was pissed by 12:30… I could feel my resolve fading… So I got up, put on clothes (had no idea WHAT I’d put on until I got there), grabbed the keys, made a SHORT run to the loo and ran for the door… I refused to let myself think until I got about halfway there… I turned on Pandora to the Comedy channel and turned it up loud!!  And, as always happens, once I got there, I was glad I was there… I was welcomed, and got to talk to folks… Even met a couple who I’d never seen before… I was talking to one of the folks I know, and he is a real dear… I’d told him of my troubles of trying to get out of the house and he said to call him and we’d do dinner once a week or so… Then maybe a movie on the weekend.. But he said something else that made me sad, although I didn’t show it to him… He mentioned that because he was single, he had time… Yea… Um… I’m single… I have time… That’s the problem… He doesn’t know how that comment made me feel… And I wouldn’t tell him… He thought he was being nice, and I appreciate his effort… I also know that once he’s no longer “single” that outlet would disappear… So I won’t rely on it… I’ll call on him from time to time, but won’t put all of those eggs in that basket…

So I continue down this rather annoying path to see what I can do to resolve it… What can I find that will motivate me to want to leave the house for something fun…  Do I have it in me to find those motivations?  Or will I continue to allow my illness to drag me down into the abyss… (And wouldn’t it be nice if Ed Harris was down in my particular Abyss?  But I know he’s not…)  In the words of Dory “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming”…