Another Year Gone

With tomorrow being another Hatch Day for me, it forces me to think about this past year… The past two years have been quite turbulent for me… My world has been turned upside down… The one thing that I thought I could rely on until the end of my days declared war on me… There isn’t anything or anyone to blame, it just is… And I’ve learned to accept it… I may not always LIKE it, but I accept it… My illness and my aneurism have forced me to have limitations, which I’ve never had to deal with before… It’s forced me to live with little to no money, multiple medications every day, a severe change in my foods, curtailed my travel to nothing but home, work, Dr’s appts, and the grocery store and a complete lack of trust of what I can and can no longer do…

I lived in a very difficult situation for almost 21 years and when I was finally free from that, and had finally gotten back to my roots and moving forward, Fate decided She needed to have some fun… So I was forced to, as they say, drop back and punt… Being the Cowboys fan that I am, I’m ready to punt… (Hey, no nasty comments about Dallas… *grin*) And that, dear readers, is where I am today… I’ve spent the last two years crawling in fear, running in terror, and praying that there would be what I needed at the end of whatever road I was on…

Then I heard a speech today by Stuart Scott… Don’t know who he is? Neither did I until today… He’s a sports commentator on ESPN… He won an award at the ESPYS this past week… Why? Because for the last 7 years this man has been fighting tooth and nail with cancer… He refused to give up… Just prior to the awards show, and I mean JUST prior, he was in the hospital… The last 10 days leading up to the show, he had 4 surgeries, liver failure, and kidney failure… Yet, there he was, on the stage, talking about how he was fighting… He was working out, traveling, and doing what HE wanted to do… It struck me… It really did…

I look around me and I see the disorder… And I know it’s not just in my house… It’s in my head too… It’s time to file all that stuff away… It’s time to step out into the sun again… But it will be baby steps… It has to be… I’ve become an introvert over the last 2 years… Shy, terrified, introspective, and at times quieter than death… Come at me and I’ll run… I can’t help it… But hold out your hand quietly, welcome me with a smile, and help me to step back out… I don’t think I can; I don’t think I WANT to live another year like this… I’m holding out my hand for anyone who will take it gently… It’s tentative and it’s shaking, but it’s out there… I’m ready…

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